Archive for July, 2009

What’s more insane than the conflicts we see between nations and individuals? Wherever conflict arises, whether in our local families or nation communities, there is one simple solution to struggle of any kind: caring for ourselves.

How could conflict resolution be so simple? An example: the socially liberal daughter and the financially conservative father whose conflicting views have made it impossible for them to enjoy each other.

Conflict exists only when we find ourselves in either/or situations: either her liberal views or his conservative ones. Either/or situations happen when we see our family or community as too small to include our views (or needs).

It’s very tempting to blame the community when either/or situations happen: “I don’t fit in this family or ‘this group’ won’t accept my views.” True enough – this happens! Yet we now know without a doubt that the world is big enough for each of us to find a place where our views belong. Somewhere!

We create impossible situations when honoring of our views is dependent on “the other” person or community. Conflict is inevitable if the daughter’s liberal views are honored only if the father agrees and vice versa.

The trick to getting past this dependence on ‘the other’ is for us to care for or love ourselves enough to find that space and place of acceptance and love within. Once we love on the inside, the outside comes easily. We create communities that love our views.

What often happens is that the daughter’s liberal views are respected by the father once she no longer needs her father to agree – when the daughter belongs to a community where her views are appreciated. Once we experience respect for our views – we are free to confidently and productively explore our differences.

Making self-care a priority, practicing relentless self love creates situations where delight in our differences is possible. Limiting our expectations to the co-existence of diverse views implies toleration of ‘the other’.

What I want is delight in ‘the other’. What are the fathers’ conservative concerns and why?

I can only listen deeply to and enjoy the gifts of a radically different view if I confidently love myself and am willing to stretch …

All it takes is for one person to practice self-love and stretch, for delight in the views of “the other” to be experienced. From that one person loving, a family can love. If a family can love, a community can love. If a community can love, a nation can love and end conflict with its enemies….

Ending the insanity of conflict between nations will come from one person having the courage to ‘love thine enemy’. Which takes loving myself. Really, it’s as simple as that.

So can you imagine ending conflict being as simple as self-love? What are the “yea, buts” that come to mind?

When I first read the topic for this month’s newsletter, Caring for Myself, I immediately thought of spa days, mani-pedis, Sunday afternoon naps, and long vacations. Although there’s certainly nothing wrong with those ways of taking care of myself, I believe that taking care of myself involves a lot more.

I recently had a conversation with someone who felt she really couldn’t have what she wanted because it would be too selfish. That got me to thinking, what is selfish? And what is the opposite of selfish? Naturally I went to the dictionary to look up the definition of the words. Here’s what I found:

Selfish. Devoted to or caring for only one’s self; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare. We know these people – they are called narcissists. “Maria has been hoarding food for the past year, just in case something happens to the economy and she won’t have enough to eat.”

Selfless. Little or no concern for oneself. We know these people – they are called martyrs. “Antonio wouldn’t dare apply for a promotion. His boss really needs him to stay where he is because he is so valuable, so he’ll just stay put.”

Somewhere in between selfishness and selflessness is caring for ourselves, a glorious place where we get what we want and others get what they want as well. It’s a place of healing, growth, and love, starting with ourselves first.

What happens when we don’t care for ourselves and only give of ourselves? Depression, addiction, despair, anger, sadness, emptiness, negativity, and fearful thinking are all results of not taking care of ourselves or diminishing ourselves in service to others.

When I care for myself, I trust myself, express myself fully and authentically, love myself just as I am, and embrace my healing while also inviting others to do the same. What I am learning is that that there is plenty of room for caring for myself and caring for others. It doesn’t have to be one or the other – polarizing views of caring only for ourselves or caring only for others is a sure fire way to keep all of us on different paths with little ways of connecting with each other.

How would your life change if you found that glorious place inside yourself that has been crying out for acknowledgment? What polarizing views do you have about caring for yourself that have been limiting your healing or growth and/or the growth of others?

I’d love to hear from you!

What are transformational goals?

Transformational goals not only have a direction and destination in mind, they create experiences for people to grow and evolve by stepping into a higher version of who they are.

Five critical factors that support achieving transformational goals:

1. Passion Our passions motivate and inspire us to take action. Without passion our life can become mechanical and empty. Deep desire can give us the courage to take life –changing risks with determination and power in the face of fears and uncertainty.
2. Fulfilling Your Life/Soul Purpose Having a sense of why we are here and what we are here to do gives meaning to our life. Making choices with a sense of purpose helps us to regain perspective when we feel confused, doubt, and fear. Our purpose reminds us of who we are when we slip into the dramas and details of our life.
3. Solid Support and Accountability Surrounding yourself with people who can be objective, uplifting, encouraging, and forthright to cheer you on, challenge you to be great, kick you in the butt when you’re stalling, help you stand strong when facing fear, remind you of who you are when you forget, and hold you accountable to your purpose, passions, and vision makes a huge difference in going the distance and achieving success.
4. Have a Strong Self-Care Regime Think of taking care of your body, mind, and spirit as an important element to your inner foundation. When we feel “fed” we can show up for the people, responsibilities and situations that we most care about with our best SELF. When we are depleted, over-extended, hungry, lonely, or angry, life becomes more burdensome. To check when you might be out of balance or in need of some self-care pronto, here are some common signals: taking things too personally, beating yourself up, irritability, over-reacting, resentment, anger, overwhelm, confusion, distracted, stressed, or tense. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now? What is my body asking for? What have I been ignoring?“ Then DO IT!
5. Taking Inspired Action Listening to and following your gut instinct and intuition to guide your choices and actions can bring amazing opportunities into your life. It takes courage to take leaps of faith when we are motivated by fear. Inspiration comes from within; from our Divine “inner knowing” urging us to step into the unknown with faith and trust, often without a safety net. Our mind is an instrument with the ability to reason and assess situations that support us in making logical, sound choices that can motivate us to action when things makes sense.

Self-care is foundational to each of these factors in achieving transformational goals. Why settle for anything less than goals that inspire your personal evolution? And the self-care needed to transform?

Like most things, whether we practice self-care isn’t reeeeeeally about self-care. We all know that exercise, balanced eating, reading books and napping when our bodies ask us to is good for us and feels great. So what gets in the way of us making space for this blissful existence??

I have clients who talk about taking time to read or go for a walk regularly as if it’s A) a lovely thought, but a pipe dream akin to winning the lottery because there’s just too much else to do B) something that would cause their families (and possibly the whole world!) to completely fall apart since they wouldn’t be there to hold it all together C) just flat-out selfish!

For most of us, there’s a dash of one or all of those flavors that holds us back from putting our wants and needs first or even equal to other people and priorities.

Two of my favorite books that peel back the layers on what’s really going on are The Power of Full Engagement and I Used to Have a Handle on Life But It Broke…Six Power Solutions for Women with Too Much to Do (there’s good stuff in the latter for the guys too!).

Both books demonstrate that a fulfilling, joyful, engaged life is created when we stop trying to ‘keep up’, control, and push through, none of which are natural or productive. We become fully engaged (and best able to contribute to the rest of the world!) when we manage our energy first (an infinite resource) vs. our time (a finite resource).

Did you know that our bodies and brains follow a rhythm that’s based on a 90-120 minute cycle? That if we take mini-breaks in our attention, focus, and physical space based on that cycle that we greatly and immediately increase our energy, creativity, and productivity? It’s so logical, yet many of us still struggle with allowing ourselves to create the mini-breaks – let alone the big breaks!

Power Solutions:

• Micro-actions: Commit to something so small that it’s impossible not to do (read for just 1 minute before bed, get dressed to exercise – no exercise, just getting dressed, lay down for a 3 minute nap). Micro-actions move us from the wish, I want to do this, to the action, I can do this.
• Purpose: Spend some time getting in touch with what you really want – the more you care for yourself, the better able you can fulfill this purpose.
• Rituals: Discipline and will typically aren’t strong enough to overcome our underlying resistance to things like self-care. Create daily rituals that become as natural to you as brushing your teeth.

Take Action: What’s one micro-action you can take right now? What ritual can you commit to for a few days? (then another few days, then another, then another…!)

The Essence Map is a tool we have found useful in helping people to shift more and more into being at their best. It’s a tool I’d like to use to help transform how we conduct business, bringing with us the best of business, leaving behind once and for all those practices that deplete people, resources and the planet.

We use the Essence Map to talk about what is essential, and thus focus on the essential versus focusing on drama.

One of the tricky aspects of Focusing on the Essential is that it’s looking at something intangible. It’s like putting your trust in the wind: you can’t actually see it but you can see the effect it creates. How do you put your trust in something like the wind?

Here are some ideas I’ve put together to help us make the business case for Focusing on the Essential. I’d love to see these ideas evolve into something even more compelling and useful – with your help…

1. Look at the benefits of focusing on the essential. Some possibilities:
   • Full engagement
   • Energy
   • Creativity
   • Innovation
   • Health
   • Productivity
   • Focus
   • Sustainability
2. Look at the costs of drama. Some possibilities:
   • Exhaustion
   • Health issues
   • Boredom
   • Stress
   • Distraction
   • Burnout
   • Insomnia
   • Detachment
   • False limitations
   • Low productivity
   • Decreased performance
   • Sabotage
   • Absenteeism
3. Make it personal. What is your personal point of pain? What is the businesses point of pain? Identify a compelling need for change.
4. Paint a picture. Use the Essence Map or some other way of demonstrating the cost of Drama. Emphasize that a different way is needed to achieve results that are liberated from the constraints of Drama.
5. Bring hope. Ask questions about what people want. Access their desire for something better. Be relentless about seeing the Essential Best of each person you work with.
6. Keep it simple. Stay clear by being at your own Essential Best. Drama is confusing and creates complexity.
7. Take a stand. Be a leader for yourself and others – for being at your Essential Best and by coaching and challenging others to be at their Essential Best.
8. Become an expert. Being able to shift from Drama to Essence over and over will give you the confidence to coach and lead others.

People have become confused. Many think that results and money are what is most important. What’s ironic is that when we focus on the essential, money and results are handled, often beyond our wildest imaginings. Now is an incredible time for us – as people remember that time with their families, their happiness, their sense of well being is most important. We have an opportunity to help translate these realizations into a more evolved way of conducting business.

The more clear we are about all of this, the easier it will be to create it – in simple, fun and easy ways!

So what are your ideas for making the business case for focusing on the essential? What gets you confused? What helps you stay clear? I’d love to hear from you …

You’ve heard about drama haven’t you? Is the play or movie you’re going to see a drama or comedy? Or, how about the catchy phrase “save your drama for your mama” – a comment on our frustration with whiny people.  Barack Obama made drama famous by asking people working on his campaign to skip the drama.

I like one of the Urban Dictionary’s definitions best: “making a big deal over something unnecessarily.”

I use the term ‘Drama’ to describe what it looks like when I’m not at my best.  It’s a part of my Essence Map tool – a simple way of guiding myself and others in where we are in the process of waking up to the best of who we can be – ongoing.

Often Drama is perceived as negative. Whiny people are a pain. Who wants to be around someone going through a victim spiral? The Drama of miscommunication creates conflict. Drama in business can be very costly. Who has time or energy for it? Let’s be done with Drama!

And yet I want to encourage people to see the value in Drama. It’s entertaining (to some)! It provides opportunities for learning. It defines the edge of who we perceive ourselves to be. It offers territories of potential growth and new perspectives. Drama is cool!

So what’s the deal with Drama; is it good or is it bad? Neither!

Drama becomes problematic when we get stuck in it (think patterns of sabotage, dysfunction, addiction or victim behavior), when we use it to define our identity (I’m a worrier, busy, overwhelmed), or when we attribute our Drama to other people (how arrogant of you to ask what you want from me).

Drama becomes an opportunity when we can see ourselves as separate from it, when we use it as fuel for our creative energies, when we learn from it by transforming feeling bad about it into loving ourselves.

Making the distinction between Drama and our Essential Best or Essence becomes powerful when we use it to consciously choose where we focus our attention. Thus, one of our introductory workshops is “Focusing on the Essential“. We access our powerful selves (as in power with, not power over) when we focus on what is essential. We fall into being our small selves when we focus on Drama.

So I think one of the most important choices we can make, day after day, is whether to focus on our Essential Best or our Drama. Our focus determines how we feel (happy or sad), what we see (possibilities or limitations), what we know (wisdom or confusion), what we achieve (positive results or struggle).

Now I’m curious. What is Drama from your perspective? How do you make the best of Drama? How do you keep perspective? How do you leverage it? How does it entertain you? Or beleager you? (Is that a word, beleager?) You know – bring you down … I’d love to know!

I presented our “Focusing on the Essential” material to the Raleigh ICF chapter (coaches) this week and had a great time creating new learning with this group of people. It was a super fun experience …

I usually start my sessions with folks by asking what they expect to get out of the conversation … I want people to have skin in the game with me. One person said she “wanted to know what I thought was essential”. I responded by saying I wanted to know what she and everyone else thought was Essential!

So I introduce people to the idea of the Essential by asking, “What does it look like, feel like (in your body), smell like or taste like when you are at your best?” People respond by putting one word or phrase on a yellow/gold piece of paper in the center of a circle, as many thoughts/paper as they’d like. This group generated a huge amount of information. My response to this person’s question: “What you see here is what’s Essential”.

Here’s what they wrote:

• Energy – Tingling, Radiating, Full of
• Magic
• Contributing
• Making a Difference
• Motivation
• Laughing
• Connecting with someone else
• Play
• Being real
• Exuberant
• Happy
• Full
• Easy/effortless
• Breezy
• Warmth in my heart and gut
• Open
• From within
• In flow
• So interesting!
• Joyful
• Juicy
• Satisfying
• Fun
• Whole
• Well-rested
• Grateful
• Smiling
• Clear
• Heartfelt
• Content
• Clear channel to my talents and strengths
• Sharing
• Sense of well-being
• Asking questions
• Fantastic
• Great
• A bright sky with the wind blowing through the apple blossoms
• Powerful
• Irresistible
• Dark chocolate
• Worthy
• Relaxed
• Glowing
• Exciting
• Natural
• Me
• Clicking
• Raw
• Productive
• Creative
• Shine
• Active
• Attracting others
• Full of possibilities
• Free
• Intuitive
• Energized and powerful like a mountain stream
• Spontaneous and joyful like a mockingbird’s song
• Amazing
• Light
• Light, weightless, and effervescent like a down comforter with 1000 thread count sheets
• Connected to center/core of self
• Calm
• Attentive
• Grounded
• Confident
• Sparkling
• Peaceful
• Jazzed

This list is very consistent with what I’ve seen group after group, individual after individual, over the last 5 years I’ve been working with the question of ‘what’s essential’ ~ equating it with being at your best.

My proposal is that nothing is more important that living from, being at, focusing on whatever  we individually define as ‘being at our best’.  It’s when we are the most happy and productive. It’s when we see things clearly. It’s when we know we are bigger than any problem we might encounter.

As we discussed this as a group, we reached a place of saying “this is so obvious!” Why, oh why then is ‘the essential’ not obvious to everyone? Why do so many people focus on other things (we like to call these things drama) that don’t lead to being happy and productive?

I have my own ideas about this, but I’d really like to see what you think. What words would you add this list of what it looks like to be at your best? And why is it, that people don’t make being at their best more of a priority?

Personally, I like to hang around people and businesses that make being at their best a priority. It’s more fun and brings out the best in me. Are you one of those kind of people?