I’ve had two compelling incidents in the last couple of months that got me seriously considering confidentiality. 1) I wanted to share a concern with a fellow consultant about a client organization we both work with – a concern that emerged from my coaching in the client organization. 2) A family member came to me for confidential help in their career search process.

Both situations left me feeling uncomfortable about agreements I made to ‘keep things quiet’ – agreements which I ultimately broke because they didn’t align with my values.

Some background. My education in Organization Development at American University strongly influenced how I feel about collusion. Studies in group dynamics designed to understand how the Holocaust happened have demonstrated that collective or mass behavior can be influenced by just one person speaking up and saying “I don’t agree with this.” By not colluding.

An example, look at how the Dutch versus the Danes handled the German persecution of Jews: The Dutch resisted covertly, by hiding and protecting Jews (sometimes) while they mostly avoided direct confrontation with the Germans. The Danes resisted overtly, led by the King of Denmark, by collectively putting on the ‘Star of David’ armband used to identify Jews. The Germans were stymied in Denmark by the bold action of the people of Denmark. The Danes refused to collude with the Germans in any way, and in so doing saved thousands of Jewish lives.

These are extreme examples, yet they are born out of everyday mundane thoughts and behaviors.  A pattern of thinking and behavior practiced by much of WWII era society was:  follow the rules, then we’ll all be safe and we’ll all get along. If I obey those in authority, whether in my family or otherwise, all will be well. To ‘make waves’ by speaking up was generally taboo.

Since my studies at American, I have been committed to open and transparent communication. I am delighted by the internet, technology and web 2.0 business practices (see the book “What Would Google Do”) that facilitate and value open dialogue.

With my coaching however, and assumed ‘confidentialities’ between coach and client, where details of a coaching conversation must be kept between coach and client, I’ve experienced some interesting challenges to my commitment to openness. I want to firmly state here that details of my coaching conversations remain confidential. Clients are responsible for revealing details of their lives with others as they are comfortable. (ADDED NOTE: My thinking on this has evolved – please see follow-on comments for details!)

At the same time, if I see a pattern of behavior emerging from my coaching conversations that is relevant to the overall health of a group, an organization, or society, I will speak up. This can be done without revealing details of client-coach conversations.

To create healthy dialaogue with successful outcomes, when people are being ‘open and transparent’, a common understanding of intention and process is needed. Otherwise open and transparent conversation can become mudslinging or gossiping, which can ultimately be just as destructive as quiet collusion.

The IAM Touchstones and the IAM Maps are what I have developed to create this common intention and process. And as a summary … the biggest obstacle I see to open and transparent communication is the need people have (including myself) to keep secret things about themselves they are uncomfortable with, or to protect or defend themselves from a perceived threat.

Examples: people would think I’m bad if they knew I had had an affair, or something bad might happen if people knew I was looking for a job. The assumption here is that somehow I’m bad or wrong:  our human faults are ‘bad’ and our desires for something better must be hidden. The core underlying beliefs: it is shameful to make a mistake and life does not support us in striving for what we want …

So, in the spirit of conversation as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes, to grow into our evolving potential and to heal from those places we cut ourselves off from our true nature which IS love … I will not agree to any confidential conversation outside the bounds of a client/coach conversation.

By speaking up I am thus taking a stand for the transformative power of conversation. I am honoring the gift our humanity is to each other. And I am directly challenging the common belief that people are fundamentally flawed.

So there! That felt so good to say. These ideas have been burbling and gurgling around inside of me for quite a while and sharing feels really, really good.

How about you? To what extent are you willing to be open and transparent in conversation? To be vulnerable when you feel a need to protect or defend yourself?

And the older generations might take a cue from younger folks and their seemingly brazen openness … what do you suppose is compelling young people to be so ‘out there’ and what can you learn from them?

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