Archive for the ‘Communications’ Category

I’ve had enough experience collaborating with other people to know that if we’re not clear about the 100% responsible ‘rule’, we won’t achieve the kind of success I know I can create. I now call it the  ‘IAM 100% Responsible Touchstone‘ (it’s the 3rd touchstone) instead of calling it a ‘rule’. Rather than being rigid about it, I like to see it as something we pick up and look at over and over again.

The IAM 100% Responsible Touchstone sets up an understanding of shifting from reacting, to responding,  to creating every aspect of our experience. This expectation is essential to creating powerful, reciprocal, healthy, learning, growing, healing, and co-creative collaborations.

I also know that there is a continuum of understanding from ‘I am a victim’ reacting to my life …  to ‘I am the 100% creator’ of absolutely every aspect of everything I experience. There are usually catches  at certain points: I am 100% responsible – except I could never be responsible for this or that.

These ‘catch points’ are critical in the process of evolving and transforming consciousness because they are indicators of the edges of our awareness. Playing with a shift from saying ‘this happened to me’ to ‘I created xyz’ is great as a way of exploring awareness of the power we bring to every situation. Facing and shifting these catch points is critical when overcoming a victim pattern or lack of success or any limitation you experience.

What are your catch points?  For example, look at the following series of statements:

• I created this article.
• I created great results with this project.
• I created trust in this relationship.
• I created this rude encounter.
• I created that green light.
• I created the rain storm today.
• I created my experience of financial lack.
• I created that driver slamming into me.

Where are your catch points? And how might moving beyond a current catch point help you experience the next level of success you know is right there waiting to come to you?

A while ago, several of the Associates of Karen Tax & Associates had a conversation about this 100% responsible continuum. The following are some notes from that conversation (December 17, 2007)…

I’ve had two compelling incidents in the last couple of months that got me seriously considering confidentiality. 1) I wanted to share a concern with a fellow consultant about a client organization we both work with – a concern that emerged from my coaching in the client organization. 2) A family member came to me for confidential help in their career search process.

Both situations left me feeling uncomfortable about agreements I made to ‘keep things quiet’ – agreements which I ultimately broke because they didn’t align with my values.

Some background. My education in Organization Development at American University strongly influenced how I feel about collusion. Studies in group dynamics designed to understand how the Holocaust happened have demonstrated that collective or mass behavior can be influenced by just one person speaking up and saying “I don’t agree with this.” By not colluding.

An example, look at how the Dutch versus the Danes handled the German persecution of Jews: The Dutch resisted covertly, by hiding and protecting Jews (sometimes) while they mostly avoided direct confrontation with the Germans. The Danes resisted overtly, led by the King of Denmark, by collectively putting on the ‘Star of David’ armband used to identify Jews. The Germans were stymied in Denmark by the bold action of the people of Denmark. The Danes refused to collude with the Germans in any way, and in so doing saved thousands of Jewish lives.

These are extreme examples, yet they are born out of everyday mundane thoughts and behaviors.  A pattern of thinking and behavior practiced by much of WWII era society was:  follow the rules, then we’ll all be safe and we’ll all get along. If I obey those in authority, whether in my family or otherwise, all will be well. To ‘make waves’ by speaking up was generally taboo.

Since my studies at American, I have been committed to open and transparent communication. I am delighted by the internet, technology and web 2.0 business practices (see the book “What Would Google Do”) that facilitate and value open dialogue.

With my coaching however, and assumed ‘confidentialities’ between coach and client, where details of a coaching conversation must be kept between coach and client, I’ve experienced some interesting challenges to my commitment to openness. I want to firmly state here that details of my coaching conversations remain confidential. Clients are responsible for revealing details of their lives with others as they are comfortable. (ADDED NOTE: My thinking on this has evolved – please see follow-on comments for details!)

At the same time, if I see a pattern of behavior emerging from my coaching conversations that is relevant to the overall health of a group, an organization, or society, I will speak up. This can be done without revealing details of client-coach conversations.

To create healthy dialaogue with successful outcomes, when people are being ‘open and transparent’, a common understanding of intention and process is needed. Otherwise open and transparent conversation can become mudslinging or gossiping, which can ultimately be just as destructive as quiet collusion.

The IAM Touchstones and the IAM Maps are what I have developed to create this common intention and process. And as a summary … the biggest obstacle I see to open and transparent communication is the need people have (including myself) to keep secret things about themselves they are uncomfortable with, or to protect or defend themselves from a perceived threat.

Examples: people would think I’m bad if they knew I had had an affair, or something bad might happen if people knew I was looking for a job. The assumption here is that somehow I’m bad or wrong:  our human faults are ‘bad’ and our desires for something better must be hidden. The core underlying beliefs: it is shameful to make a mistake and life does not support us in striving for what we want …

So, in the spirit of conversation as an opportunity to learn from our mistakes, to grow into our evolving potential and to heal from those places we cut ourselves off from our true nature which IS love … I will not agree to any confidential conversation outside the bounds of a client/coach conversation.

By speaking up I am thus taking a stand for the transformative power of conversation. I am honoring the gift our humanity is to each other. And I am directly challenging the common belief that people are fundamentally flawed.

So there! That felt so good to say. These ideas have been burbling and gurgling around inside of me for quite a while and sharing feels really, really good.

How about you? To what extent are you willing to be open and transparent in conversation? To be vulnerable when you feel a need to protect or defend yourself?

And the older generations might take a cue from younger folks and their seemingly brazen openness … what do you suppose is compelling young people to be so ‘out there’ and what can you learn from them?

What are transformational goals?

Transformational goals not only have a direction and destination in mind, they create experiences for people to grow and evolve by stepping into a higher version of who they are.

Five critical factors that support achieving transformational goals:

1. Passion Our passions motivate and inspire us to take action. Without passion our life can become mechanical and empty. Deep desire can give us the courage to take life –changing risks with determination and power in the face of fears and uncertainty.
2. Fulfilling Your Life/Soul Purpose Having a sense of why we are here and what we are here to do gives meaning to our life. Making choices with a sense of purpose helps us to regain perspective when we feel confused, doubt, and fear. Our purpose reminds us of who we are when we slip into the dramas and details of our life.
3. Solid Support and Accountability Surrounding yourself with people who can be objective, uplifting, encouraging, and forthright to cheer you on, challenge you to be great, kick you in the butt when you’re stalling, help you stand strong when facing fear, remind you of who you are when you forget, and hold you accountable to your purpose, passions, and vision makes a huge difference in going the distance and achieving success.
4. Have a Strong Self-Care Regime Think of taking care of your body, mind, and spirit as an important element to your inner foundation. When we feel “fed” we can show up for the people, responsibilities and situations that we most care about with our best SELF. When we are depleted, over-extended, hungry, lonely, or angry, life becomes more burdensome. To check when you might be out of balance or in need of some self-care pronto, here are some common signals: taking things too personally, beating yourself up, irritability, over-reacting, resentment, anger, overwhelm, confusion, distracted, stressed, or tense. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now? What is my body asking for? What have I been ignoring?“ Then DO IT!
5. Taking Inspired Action Listening to and following your gut instinct and intuition to guide your choices and actions can bring amazing opportunities into your life. It takes courage to take leaps of faith when we are motivated by fear. Inspiration comes from within; from our Divine “inner knowing” urging us to step into the unknown with faith and trust, often without a safety net. Our mind is an instrument with the ability to reason and assess situations that support us in making logical, sound choices that can motivate us to action when things makes sense.

Self-care is foundational to each of these factors in achieving transformational goals. Why settle for anything less than goals that inspire your personal evolution? And the self-care needed to transform?

I don’t know about you, but I can bend, fold and twist the truth like a cabin steward on a cruise ship folds and twists towels into those little animals they leave in your cabin each day. You never know if you’ll find a swan or a monkey, but the finished product is sure to be cute and bear little resemblance to the utilitarian, pure form it started as.

The difference between twisting the truth and twisting a towel is that the outcome of the former isn’t nearly as adorable, especially when we accessorize with blame and judgment of ourselves and others.

How do you know when you’re twisting the truth? How do you get back to it?

• Our bodies always let us know when our thoughts, words or actions aren’t aligned with what we really want or with being our best self. You may have an unsettled feeling in your stomach, restlessness, a fluttering in your chest, sweaty palms.

Take a moment to notice how your body feels the next time you’re saying ‘Yes’ when you’d rather say ‘No, thank you!’ The more you pay attention to what your body is telling you, the easier it gets to hear it (and choose what you really want).

• Your sentences include words like can’t, always, never, should or shouldn’t. The use of those words is a sure sign you’re placing blame or judgment on yourself, someone else, or a situation: “I’m always disorganized so I can’t run my own business from home!”

The more factual and self-loving truth is “I tend to lose track of things when I don’t use a system; what tools and processes work with my unique style to stay organized?” Using phrases like ‘I tend to’ and ‘Right now’ allow you to be an objective observer of your patterns and allow space for options.

• You make the problem about someone else. Confession: I turned into a Coach Gone Wild when I shared the uninvited ‘observation’ with my significant other that he doesn’t use the words “thank you” very often (luckily it wasn’t captured on video!). I’d wanted extra appreciation and that felt ‘needy’ so I was afraid to ask for it.

Embrace your wants without judgment! The real truth is I want to be appreciated, complimented, and generally adored (by myself and others).

Use the tips above to reframe the truths that you’ve been twisting.

You may have heard the saying that, “the truth hurts.” I won’t dispute that sometimes the truth can hurt, but I propose that the truth doesn’t hurt so much as it heals.

I want to take a different approach toward telling the truth that starts with telling the truth about you to you. I’m talking about your internal dialogue with respect to what you believe to be true about yourself.

• Have you done or said something you regretted only to blame yourself for being stupid or insensitive?
• Do you hide your greatness and not tell the truth about who you are and what you have to offer?
• Is it easier for you to forgive everyone else, but for yourself there’s an extra dose of blame and judgment?
• Have you found yourself embellishing the truth to receive or deflect attention and then later regretted it?

When you don’t tell the truth about yourself to yourself, you deny your own brilliance and diminish your power in the world.  Some people might think that how they feel about themselves comes from others, but it’s actually coming from inside themselves. They are essentially disengaged from themselves, if you can imagine such a thing.

In order to increase your internal truth-telling, imagine having a different conversation with yourself so that you can release your brilliance into the world and begin to see yourself as others see you – wise, beautiful, intelligent, interesting, witty, loving, kind, giving, and so on. As thoughts come into your mind that you are bad, stupid, lazy, mean, or not good enough, gently silence those thoughts with the truth of who you really are, no matter what the circumstances may be or what other people say.

Perhaps you did make a mistake. Big deal! Give yourself a break and recognize that you’re more relatable to others because you are human.

Perhaps you embellished the truth; you now know that you don’t need to do that. Many people will love you for who you are, not who you want them to think you are.

Discover a healing salve for your heart, mind, body and spirit that releases you from the bondage of lies, deceit, and embellishment. That healing salve is having a truthful conversation with yourself first, revealing the best of who you are (no need for blame or judgment).

There are some wonderful benefits to being outrageously honest with ourselves and others about what we want. Here are some of my favorites:

• Learning increases.
  The gap between reality and what we want is the playground of learning. The farther I allow my wants to venture ‘out there,’ the more I can expect to learn.
• Energy moves.
  As long as I hold my wants in check, I’m reining in my life-force energy. Be honest about my wants and my energy has a place to move.
• Creativity ignites.
  Desire for something I want is fuel for my imagination. Once my imagination is engaged, I can see beyond the obstacles of today.
• Focus emerges.
  Experimenting with my wants allows me to better discern what I like and experience new realities. Then I can focus on what feels good and right to me.
• Trust builds.
  When we’re honest with ourselves and others we can be trusted. When we’re not, we become controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive: untrustworthy.
• Relationships grow.
  Honest truth telling is the glue of a healthy, growing relationship. Our truths and wants evolve and grow as we do, and connect us more deeply to others.

I see people holding back the truth about their wants for many reasons. Here are just a few:

• “I don’t have time to deal with this.”
• “People just can’t always get what they want.”
• “I’ve got too many things on my plate already.”
• “If I got what I really want I’d be spoiled.”
• “What I want is not possible, it’s not happening.”
• “I can’t have what I want because of him/her.”

All of these reasons come from an external focus, from ‘reasons’ outside of us. Shift our focus internally, and a whole other world of possibilities opens up!

Remember the IAM Touchstone I Come First as a way to shift from that external focus to an internal focus. The easiest way to do this is to ask ourselves the question:

What do I really, really want?

We can tell the truth about what we want and thus create the benefits listed above.

We can tell the truth about the ‘reasons we can’t’ and, well, that would be true too.

It’s simply a matter of focus. So how about telling the truth about what you want, like never before?

Here’s a challenge: share 10 things that you want here, and inspire others to do the same. Continue everyday for a month!

A former counseling client emailed me to help her mediate a conflict with her mother. They’d been trying to work through things for months and seemed to hit a wall. The desired result was to get past the conflict so their relationship could improve.

I believe it takes skill, finesse, resilience, a healthy self-esteem, and objectivity to be really effective in conflict resolution. When things become personalized, objectivity can go out the window. When conflicts arise between family members, close personal relationship and friendships, things can become painful, uncomfortable, and scary.

Common situations that lead to conflict:

• The Blame Game
  Finger pointing, accusations, buck passing, using excuses, defending, and explaining are all ways people deny taking 100% responsibility for what they create in their life. In a conflict situation, questions to ask yourself are, “What was my role in this creation?” What were my beliefs? Intentions? Expectations? Behaviors? that contributed to this situation?”
• Judgments and Self-Criticism
  People aren’t who we want them to be. We’re unhappy with ourselves. Things aren’t the way we want them to be. Inner turmoil and struggle creates stress, anger, frustration. We all want to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who we are. Practicing compassion, tolerance and love for each other’s humanness (and ourselves), invites happiness, inner peace, and offers healing and growth opportunities.
• Stuffing things for too long
  Sitting on something that is simmering will eventually start to boil and lead to a blow up. I’m an advocate for clearing things up as soon as possible. Withholding upset creates a gap in a relationship that widens the longer a person remains silent. One of the keys to clearing things up in a healthy way is the ability to hear another without personalizing.

When both parties can be in an objective space, having a conversation using these 4 opening statements can be a useful Model in conflict resolution. Notice the intentional omission of any accusations or blaming language?

In this model, YOU take full responsibility for your experience, interpretation and reaction as well as what you need to bring the experience to peace within yourself. To be the most effective, let go of any attachment to what you want or need the other people to do or be. This is critical to offset high expectations.

1. This is what happened (from your perspective).
2. This is how I felt about it at the time (taking full responsibility for your reactions, interpretations, assumptions, feelings…)
3. This is how it affected me (taking full responsibility to what happened as a result of how you felt, what changes might have occurred…..)
4. This is what I want from you now (which might be nothing, you needed them to hear you, you want an apology…) Understand that what you want might be offered. Be prepared for your request to be denied.

These steps can be very therapeutic regardless of the result because it creates an opportunity to have a conversation where both people can express what happened, show up for themselves and be heard. Being able to show up and hear things that might be upsetting by remaining compassionately detached and present is a skill that takes lots of practice and high self-esteem.

Mutual respect, compassion, accountability, strong self-esteem, good communications skills and the willingness to grow as a person are key ingredients to having more successfull conflict resolutions that build trust and safety in any relationship.

Finally – seek help if you need it. Sometimes we are just too close to the situation and need a third-party to help move things forward.

I have been looking forward to writing on this topic because I have come to crave having people around me who tell me the truth.  I want folks around me, in my life, who are direct and are willing to tell me what they are really thinking.  I’m especially craving this after moving from the East Coast to Minnesota.

Minnesotans have a lot of great qualities but direct-ness is not high on the list.  It’s difficult for them.  They want to please and not hurt feelings so they often end up telling you what they think you want to hear rather than what they really think.

In my retreat community last fall I was trying to explain to them (a group of Minnesotans) my strong desire for those in my life to tell the truth.  I told them that I hold a strong value to be honest, to speak the truth.  One of them spoke up then and said in a quiet, humble way “whose truth do you mean?”  It stopped me cold.  They were right.  It’s not about “THE” truth, it’s about “MY” truth.  And everyone has their truth, their perspective.

If we request this of each other – this truth telling – it means being confronted with the fact that we each have a different perspective.  It presents an opportunity to listen to each other more deeply, try to understand what each other’s truth is.

So, is there such thing as “THE” truth?  Well, yes if it is about a fact.  Like “No, I didn’t take out the garbage last night.”  But I don’t think there is such as thing as “THE” truth when it comes to a perspective or opinion.  Yet, I do still believe (and crave) those around me to share with me their truth.  Bring that on.

P.S. This is shorter than usual because I have been helping with my brand new days old niece!

When I wrote my career story for the first time, I began thinking about the first time I thought about “work” which was probably as an adolescent. My dad worked for Piedmont Airlines/US Airways, and I loved to go and visit him at the hanger. Everything was so big and there were the most wonderful smells of machinery. But that was “men’s work.” When I played with my friends, I either wanted to be the President, a secretary, waitress, princess, quarterback, or a cowgirl.

I also recall a time when my mom told me that I didn’t have to work during the summer break because I was going to have to work the rest of my life, so I didn’t need to push it. Boy! That was a rude awakening. I got a sick feeling in my stomach. Work! That’s didn’t sound like much fun! What about being a princess? I was almost positive Prince Charles got mixed up & selected the wrong Diane (ok, I know it’s Diana).

In the Tell Your Story lesson, you have an opportunity to tell your life story and discover patterns and themes in your career based on various influences and choices you’ve made. In the book, Callings, Gregg Lavoy writes, “The past shapes us, but by following the deep calling to heal ourselves and throw off old curses, we may be able to reshape our response to that past and perhaps even the way we remember it. Sometimes we’re called to move backward so that we can move forward with a greater sense of ourselves, and with greater confidence.”

What parts of your life story are helping you create a new career story – one that works for you perfectly? (You may even find a calling!)

I love thinking about career strategies, but that wasn’t always the case. I made some poor choices early in my career. I remember the day my manager told me that he would love to promote me but his hands were tied because I didn’t have a bachelor’s degree. I was so angry. It seemed so unfair; I had gotten excellent performance reviews for 6 years in a row. I thought about what I really wanted for my career and decided I could complain about it or do something about it, so the next week I enrolled in night school to get my bachelor’s degree. I worked really hard. I had a full-time job during the day, school at night, homework on the weekends, and going through infertility treatments. My husband must be a saint!

After I got my degree I moved into a better position at a new company, or so I thought. At first I loved my work, but after a few years I began to get restless. I wondered what was wrong with me. When I told my boss I wanted to do something different, she said, “Why can’t you just stay where you are?” If you read the Career Concepts article in this lesson, you’ll see that I favor the spiral career concept, so there’s nothing wrong with me.

I couldn’t just quit my job due to financial obligations and had no idea what I even wanted to do, so I hired a coach (the lovely Karen Tax) to help me figure it out. We created a strategy so I would have enough money in the bank to take off a year from work and begin a coaching program. I also found a great part-time job. Interestingly enough, that year was my husband’s highest salary ever due to the bonuses he received (this was post 9/11).

Now I’m completing a master’s program in May, have my own business, and am partnering with Karen in this venture of IAM Learning initiatives.  What I’ve learned is that in our world today, it isn’t likely that we can plan out our whole careers in this linear, static fashion. However, it is essential to be strategic about our careers. If I had not been strategic about my career, I would be have likely been laid off as the company I work for is now in bankruptcy, and my career choices would have been very limited.

In the Sight Your Destination lesson, we asked you to think about what you really, really want for your life and career. As you think about strategies you have employed in your life and career, which ones have worked best for you?