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So what does saying YES really mean to your life?

I believe it means having the faith and courage to step into the next and highest version of who you are meant to be as spiritual beings and Creators in a physical body. And to keep expanding into your highest potential which may beyond your imagination to conceive. It means going the distance without giving up and quitting; releasing the false illusions about who you think you are to allow the real magnificent you to more fully emerge.

Fulfilling our dreams and desires does not end with a single yes to any vision, action plan, or goal. Thinking that just because we came to a decision to do or have something that our success is assured is naive. We must say yes every second, every minute, and every hour of every day as we make choices that move us towards what we truly desire. And, we must know when choosing to say no is the right answer because saying yes will take us in an opposite direction of what we desire.

Are you aware of what your soul is calling you to become?

Have you been listening the whispers of your spirit and following your inner nudges?

What YES have you been resisting that is persisting?

Have you been making choices that are moving you towards or away from your desires?

Questions that arise:

1. What will be I be asked to do that I may not want to do?

Life (God, Soul, The Divine) will not give you step two until you take step one. Spiritual practices such as meditation, morning papers, journaling, and walks in natures create connections for Life to speak to us through intuition, instincts, feelings… It is true that the guidance we sense or hear might seem scary, confusing, …even nuts. Our ego/mind screams, “No way. It’s not safe. It’s crazy…” Our gut and instincts say, “Trust that all will be well. Go for it.” What is guiding your decisions? The fears and illusions of your mind? Or, the knowing wisdom from your soul looking beyond the limitations of your mind and beckoning you to the wonders of what’s next?

Attempting to remain stagnant is impossible because evolution and change is a constant. You are either moving forward or you are moving backward. Look at your life to see where you are.

2. How far do I need to s-t-r-e-t-c-h?

You want some guarantees or a preview of what is to come before decided to take the plunge? Sorry,. Life doesn’t work that way. That’s why it’s called taking a leap of faith. You must stretch as far as is needed to receive what you desire. There may be periods of extreme challenge that can cause you to waver in doubt and fear.

How well you know yourself, your spiritual practices, ongoing evolution, attitude shifting tools, and circle of support are critical factors to staying strong no matter what is happening.

3. What if my YES upsets others?

It might. And in weighing all the elements of saying yes, you must also trust that the people in your life will benefit in the long run even if the short term brings some discomfort. You do not know what the people in your life have come to experience to become who they are meant to be.

Marianne Williamson’s famous quote from “A Return To Love” speaks to the very heart of each of us who fear or feel undeserving of owning our greatness

“…Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the Universe. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others…”

My mother used to say, “You can’t have everything you want!” I had no problem expressing what I wanted when I was a child. I was terrific at thinking abundantly. As a young girl I wanted to play with my friends, go on adventures through my books, ride my bicycle, and climb trees.

It was only when I became an adult that I became more aware of scarcity. Concerns about paying the bills, staying healthy, climbing the corporate ladder, and planning for retirement increasingly consumed my thoughts. Although it is important to be a responsible adult, we don’t have to be fearful or self-absorbed adults. Seriously, I am ready to replace scarcity thinking with abundant thinking.

You may be wondering how you will know if most of your thinking centers on abundance or scarcity. Read some of the examples below and see if anything resonates with you.

Examples of Abundant Thinking:

• When I network with people, I purposefully look for ways to help them connect with others. I believe that what I put out into the world comes right back at me, so of course someone will help me – in fact, they already have in many areas of my life.
• When I have a conflict with someone, I look for ways of staying in the conversation to discover ways that both of us can get what we want – no compromises!
• When I sit down to enjoy my meal, I don’t overeat because there is always enough.
• I see myself as a peer to everyone.
• I don’t hold onto grudges and past wrongdoings. I release myself from the bondage of that hurt or pain.
• I enjoy spending time in nature, feeling a strong bond to the Earth.
• In my meditations or prayers, I spend just as much time listening as I do asking or talking.
• I trust myself to know what is right for me.
• I often laugh at myself when I do or say silly things.

Examples of Scarcity Thinking:

• I call on people in my network when I need them.
• I rarely if ever help someone without expecting something in return.
• I love it when I can catch someone charging me too much for something.
• I worry constantly about my finances. Sometimes I even lie to my partner so he/she won’t get mad or be afraid.
• I don’t give my money to charity. Rich people should do that.
• When I’m in a conflict with someone, I rarely say what I think. I’d rather just keep the peace.
• Whenever I’m around this certain person, I say the stupidest things. She makes me feel so insignificant.
• Sara really disappointed me. I thought she was really bright, but when I saw how she handled that project, I realized I am way smarter than her.
• I know that I promised I would do that thing for Astor, but I got tied up. He should know how busy I am. Why did he ask me in the first place? He’s so insensitive.

What speaks to you? Is there anything you want to change? If so, you have already conquered the first step which is acknowledging and recognizing something you want to change. The second step is practice – by yourself or with someone who will support and encourage you.

Integrate your responsible adult thinking with your childlike abundant thinking and get ready for one of the grandest adventures you can imagine!

I’m sure you’ve heard something like the following:

• “That’s just who I am”
• “It is what it is”
• “The key is to accept a person as they are”

How do statements like the above work in situations such as the following?

• A friend is emotionally abusive
• The employee is barely engaged
• A husband is chronically depressed
• The leader is unable to inspire others

Is it helpful for the supervisor to say to the poor performer, “that’s just who you are”? I don’t think so …

I am now seeing platitudes of zen-like acceptance of situations and people as yet another way to resign ourselves to mediocrity, to rationalize abuse and oppression, and to collude with the ultimate delusion that we can’t make a difference. In attempting to ‘accept what is’ and let go of attachment to outcome, we fall into a pit of victimhood!

The first step out of these pitfalls is to want more for ourselves, like friends who are emotionally responsible, colleagues who are passionately engaged, partners who are excited to be on a path of enlightenment, leaders who challenge and inspire the best in others … these are healthy wants.

But our confusion about wanting more for ourselves creates chaos and confusion around us.

I’ve had to learn to want more from the deepest desires in my soul, without creating mixed messages tainted with guilt, restraint, doubt, and scarcity. Wanting more can be seen as selfish, arrogant, idealistic …. I’ve had each of these fearful sentiments mirrored back to me as I’ve gained courage in asking for what I truly want.

Healthy wanting more depends on our ability to see beyond the illusions and fears of our current realities, beyond the behaviors we are exhibiting, to the real essence of people…

For example:

• We can see the CEO rigidly using structure to enforce his will on his organization
• Or we can see the same CEO struggling to be both a compassionate and results oriented leader

Wanting more for my-self can literally pull my vision beyond the limitations of ‘what is’ into a sea of possibilities. A conversation with our CEO can shift from:

• He won’t budge, to
• What are you trying to create, here’s what I want, how can we work together

By wanting more I get to have fun exploring the many realities beyond the one that holds me where I am, into the adventurous territory of who I am becoming.

So how can we want more without becoming materialistic and greedy? How do we keep our wants aligned with abundance and authenticity instead of scarcity?

I don’t know about you, but I can bend, fold and twist the truth like a cabin steward on a cruise ship folds and twists towels into those little animals they leave in your cabin each day. You never know if you’ll find a swan or a monkey, but the finished product is sure to be cute and bear little resemblance to the utilitarian, pure form it started as.

The difference between twisting the truth and twisting a towel is that the outcome of the former isn’t nearly as adorable, especially when we accessorize with blame and judgment of ourselves and others.

How do you know when you’re twisting the truth? How do you get back to it?

• Our bodies always let us know when our thoughts, words or actions aren’t aligned with what we really want or with being our best self. You may have an unsettled feeling in your stomach, restlessness, a fluttering in your chest, sweaty palms.

Take a moment to notice how your body feels the next time you’re saying ‘Yes’ when you’d rather say ‘No, thank you!’ The more you pay attention to what your body is telling you, the easier it gets to hear it (and choose what you really want).

• Your sentences include words like can’t, always, never, should or shouldn’t. The use of those words is a sure sign you’re placing blame or judgment on yourself, someone else, or a situation: “I’m always disorganized so I can’t run my own business from home!”

The more factual and self-loving truth is “I tend to lose track of things when I don’t use a system; what tools and processes work with my unique style to stay organized?” Using phrases like ‘I tend to’ and ‘Right now’ allow you to be an objective observer of your patterns and allow space for options.

• You make the problem about someone else. Confession: I turned into a Coach Gone Wild when I shared the uninvited ‘observation’ with my significant other that he doesn’t use the words “thank you” very often (luckily it wasn’t captured on video!). I’d wanted extra appreciation and that felt ‘needy’ so I was afraid to ask for it.

Embrace your wants without judgment! The real truth is I want to be appreciated, complimented, and generally adored (by myself and others).

Use the tips above to reframe the truths that you’ve been twisting.

You may have heard the saying that, “the truth hurts.” I won’t dispute that sometimes the truth can hurt, but I propose that the truth doesn’t hurt so much as it heals.

I want to take a different approach toward telling the truth that starts with telling the truth about you to you. I’m talking about your internal dialogue with respect to what you believe to be true about yourself.

• Have you done or said something you regretted only to blame yourself for being stupid or insensitive?
• Do you hide your greatness and not tell the truth about who you are and what you have to offer?
• Is it easier for you to forgive everyone else, but for yourself there’s an extra dose of blame and judgment?
• Have you found yourself embellishing the truth to receive or deflect attention and then later regretted it?

When you don’t tell the truth about yourself to yourself, you deny your own brilliance and diminish your power in the world.  Some people might think that how they feel about themselves comes from others, but it’s actually coming from inside themselves. They are essentially disengaged from themselves, if you can imagine such a thing.

In order to increase your internal truth-telling, imagine having a different conversation with yourself so that you can release your brilliance into the world and begin to see yourself as others see you – wise, beautiful, intelligent, interesting, witty, loving, kind, giving, and so on. As thoughts come into your mind that you are bad, stupid, lazy, mean, or not good enough, gently silence those thoughts with the truth of who you really are, no matter what the circumstances may be or what other people say.

Perhaps you did make a mistake. Big deal! Give yourself a break and recognize that you’re more relatable to others because you are human.

Perhaps you embellished the truth; you now know that you don’t need to do that. Many people will love you for who you are, not who you want them to think you are.

Discover a healing salve for your heart, mind, body and spirit that releases you from the bondage of lies, deceit, and embellishment. That healing salve is having a truthful conversation with yourself first, revealing the best of who you are (no need for blame or judgment).

There are some wonderful benefits to being outrageously honest with ourselves and others about what we want. Here are some of my favorites:

• Learning increases.
  The gap between reality and what we want is the playground of learning. The farther I allow my wants to venture ‘out there,’ the more I can expect to learn.
• Energy moves.
  As long as I hold my wants in check, I’m reining in my life-force energy. Be honest about my wants and my energy has a place to move.
• Creativity ignites.
  Desire for something I want is fuel for my imagination. Once my imagination is engaged, I can see beyond the obstacles of today.
• Focus emerges.
  Experimenting with my wants allows me to better discern what I like and experience new realities. Then I can focus on what feels good and right to me.
• Trust builds.
  When we’re honest with ourselves and others we can be trusted. When we’re not, we become controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive: untrustworthy.
• Relationships grow.
  Honest truth telling is the glue of a healthy, growing relationship. Our truths and wants evolve and grow as we do, and connect us more deeply to others.

I see people holding back the truth about their wants for many reasons. Here are just a few:

• “I don’t have time to deal with this.”
• “People just can’t always get what they want.”
• “I’ve got too many things on my plate already.”
• “If I got what I really want I’d be spoiled.”
• “What I want is not possible, it’s not happening.”
• “I can’t have what I want because of him/her.”

All of these reasons come from an external focus, from ‘reasons’ outside of us. Shift our focus internally, and a whole other world of possibilities opens up!

Remember the IAM Touchstone I Come First as a way to shift from that external focus to an internal focus. The easiest way to do this is to ask ourselves the question:

What do I really, really want?

We can tell the truth about what we want and thus create the benefits listed above.

We can tell the truth about the ‘reasons we can’t’ and, well, that would be true too.

It’s simply a matter of focus. So how about telling the truth about what you want, like never before?

Here’s a challenge: share 10 things that you want here, and inspire others to do the same. Continue everyday for a month!

A former counseling client emailed me to help her mediate a conflict with her mother. They’d been trying to work through things for months and seemed to hit a wall. The desired result was to get past the conflict so their relationship could improve.

I believe it takes skill, finesse, resilience, a healthy self-esteem, and objectivity to be really effective in conflict resolution. When things become personalized, objectivity can go out the window. When conflicts arise between family members, close personal relationship and friendships, things can become painful, uncomfortable, and scary.

Common situations that lead to conflict:

• The Blame Game
  Finger pointing, accusations, buck passing, using excuses, defending, and explaining are all ways people deny taking 100% responsibility for what they create in their life. In a conflict situation, questions to ask yourself are, “What was my role in this creation?” What were my beliefs? Intentions? Expectations? Behaviors? that contributed to this situation?”
• Judgments and Self-Criticism
  People aren’t who we want them to be. We’re unhappy with ourselves. Things aren’t the way we want them to be. Inner turmoil and struggle creates stress, anger, frustration. We all want to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who we are. Practicing compassion, tolerance and love for each other’s humanness (and ourselves), invites happiness, inner peace, and offers healing and growth opportunities.
• Stuffing things for too long
  Sitting on something that is simmering will eventually start to boil and lead to a blow up. I’m an advocate for clearing things up as soon as possible. Withholding upset creates a gap in a relationship that widens the longer a person remains silent. One of the keys to clearing things up in a healthy way is the ability to hear another without personalizing.

When both parties can be in an objective space, having a conversation using these 4 opening statements can be a useful Model in conflict resolution. Notice the intentional omission of any accusations or blaming language?

In this model, YOU take full responsibility for your experience, interpretation and reaction as well as what you need to bring the experience to peace within yourself. To be the most effective, let go of any attachment to what you want or need the other people to do or be. This is critical to offset high expectations.

1. This is what happened (from your perspective).
2. This is how I felt about it at the time (taking full responsibility for your reactions, interpretations, assumptions, feelings…)
3. This is how it affected me (taking full responsibility to what happened as a result of how you felt, what changes might have occurred…..)
4. This is what I want from you now (which might be nothing, you needed them to hear you, you want an apology…) Understand that what you want might be offered. Be prepared for your request to be denied.

These steps can be very therapeutic regardless of the result because it creates an opportunity to have a conversation where both people can express what happened, show up for themselves and be heard. Being able to show up and hear things that might be upsetting by remaining compassionately detached and present is a skill that takes lots of practice and high self-esteem.

Mutual respect, compassion, accountability, strong self-esteem, good communications skills and the willingness to grow as a person are key ingredients to having more successfull conflict resolutions that build trust and safety in any relationship.

Finally – seek help if you need it. Sometimes we are just too close to the situation and need a third-party to help move things forward.

I have been looking forward to writing on this topic because I have come to crave having people around me who tell me the truth.  I want folks around me, in my life, who are direct and are willing to tell me what they are really thinking.  I’m especially craving this after moving from the East Coast to Minnesota.

Minnesotans have a lot of great qualities but direct-ness is not high on the list.  It’s difficult for them.  They want to please and not hurt feelings so they often end up telling you what they think you want to hear rather than what they really think.

In my retreat community last fall I was trying to explain to them (a group of Minnesotans) my strong desire for those in my life to tell the truth.  I told them that I hold a strong value to be honest, to speak the truth.  One of them spoke up then and said in a quiet, humble way “whose truth do you mean?”  It stopped me cold.  They were right.  It’s not about “THE” truth, it’s about “MY” truth.  And everyone has their truth, their perspective.

If we request this of each other – this truth telling – it means being confronted with the fact that we each have a different perspective.  It presents an opportunity to listen to each other more deeply, try to understand what each other’s truth is.

So, is there such thing as “THE” truth?  Well, yes if it is about a fact.  Like “No, I didn’t take out the garbage last night.”  But I don’t think there is such as thing as “THE” truth when it comes to a perspective or opinion.  Yet, I do still believe (and crave) those around me to share with me their truth.  Bring that on.

P.S. This is shorter than usual because I have been helping with my brand new days old niece!

Several month’s ago I read Neal Donald Walsch’s new book, “Happier Than God” which I loved!

He says, “The Law of Opposites works in perfect harmony with the Energy of Attraction. This principle states that no sooner will you call something into your reality than it’s exact opposite will also appear – and always first.

Opposites provide a context to experience what is desired by first experiencing what is undesired as a sign that you are on the right path toward your chosen objective.

The contrast provides a way to experience something for what it is. Without darkness, we would not recognize light. Without war we would not desire and choose peace.

Many people mistakenly see the appearance of the opposite of their desire as a block or obstacle that must be overcome and eliminated. They view the experience as a negative; a problem that is keeping them from having what they desire rather than path to success.

Since January I’ve let go of a number of projects, graduated some old clients, decluttered my home and my life to be more focused on the things I feel inspired to pursue. Through the process of “releasing and letting go” the first thing that has shown up is an “emptiness and quiet.” My emails have dropped off, my phone isn’t ringing off the hook, and things feel slower right now.

Instead of slipping into “victim consciousness” and worry, I’ve decided to enjoy the time to let my imagination and inspiration play with my book ideas and see what emerges!

How to appreciate the Law of Opposites?

Here are seven tips:

1. Bless the experience and say thank you.
2. Be willing to uncover any subconscious beliefs and programs potentially contributing to what you are experiencing.
   
3. Listen to your inner wisdom and guidance for the clarity and perspective. The Gift of Wisdom helps to discern the difference between being up against a wall or at the entrance to a doorway.
4. Allow your curiosity and wonder to guide you to a more joyful experience. Unleash your imagination to dream of possibilities and opportunities on the horizon.
5. Put your attention on all the gifts and blessings in your life. Gratitude is a powerfull attitude shifter to move from a state of constriction to expansion.
6. Remind yourself that the Law of Opposites exists to light the way to your desires.
7. Use your spiritual practices to stay connected to your heart and The Divine.

How do you see the Law of Opposites working in your life?

I’ll bet you’ve been in the role of a Creator many times and didn’t even know it. As Creators, we create our reality by what we believe and assume. See if you recognize yourself in the five following themes.

Creators focus on what they want. I know I’m being a Creator when I am exploring what I want to contribute to my work, family and friends, community, and even the world. Creators direct their thoughts and actions toward what they want for their lives and what emerges is passion for their heart’s desire.

Creators question beliefs and assumptions. I recently learned about a tool called the “Ladder of Inference,” created by Chris Argyris, organizational psychologist and Harvard Business School professor. We draw conclusions and subscribe meaning about things, people, and situations all day long. Creators create space for reflection, observation, and inquiry. They invite alternative perspectives to create new, broader knowledge and understanding – a bigger version of the truth.

Creators take responsibility. When I see someone take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, I know I’m in the presence of a Creator. Creators don’t look for someone to blame for their situation; they see their role in the situation and learn from it.  Creators don’t abdicate their power to others; they set boundaries and clearly communicate those boundaries with respect and honor for everyone.

Creators choose their responses to everything that happens. Today’s society seems frantic – everything has to move fast. Fast isn’t always bad. There’s nothing I love more than prompt customer service! But in the case of a Creator, fast is not always the best choice. Taking a pause and thinking through your response is an excellent way to stay in the role of a Creator. Creators give themselves permission to take a pause and respond rather than react.

Creators have courage in the face of fear. A Creator has hope for a better outcome. Creators are parents who aren’t willing to accept a fatal diagnosis for their child and won’t rest until they find a cure. Creators are athletes, knowing their limitations, and using their strengths to their advantage. Creators are teachers who inspire their students to generate more knowledge than they ever could on their own. Creators are trustworthy CEOs who take a stand for integrity, even if it’s not a competitive advantage.

How can you create more opportunities for your Creator role to shine?